I had to watch this, and now so do you.
A million people have crucified this narcissist, and I won't add more nails to her pincushioned cross. Now, for the sake of today's piece, I'll point out a few things. First, happy people don't need to advertise their happiness. Indeed, they're often the quietest motherfuckers around. Miserable people, on the other hand, want to engage others in their suffering—you're welcome; I've just explained the entire fat positivity movement in that one statement. Furthermore, everything she does, from diddling herself to pretending she isn't lonely with late-night attempts at casual sex, seems focused on self-gratification. As I'll argue below, this is the antithesis of behaviour needed to sustain long-term commitments and the benefits reaped from such arrangements.
Somewhere in the Golden Age of Hollywood, we were conned into believing that grand, roaring romances defined the quality of a relationship. But, speaking more to the literary, the saga of romance novels spans centuries and is as rich and varied as the tales themselves. From the courtly love stories of the Middle Ages to the sensationalist bodice-rippers of the 19th century, and from the chaste love stories of the early 20th century to the steamy, explicit novels of today, the evolution of romance novels remains as complex as the emotions they evoke. We've seen everything from heroines who faint at the slightest provocation to modern women who kick butt and take names. And yet, throughout it all, the basic theme of love and its power to transform us remains as potent as ever. So whether you're looking for a knight in shining armour or a bad boy with a heart of gold, there's a soul mate out there waiting to sweep you off your feet.
All of this is bullshit.
A strong relationship and subsequent marriage begin from two commitments: moral synchronicity and domesticity. Without those components, no amount of makeup sex will steer a relationship away from a collision with finality. Love itself chemically fades over time into a steadier dopamine drip; we know this, as proven by "the science" (God, that term has lost all meaning). What allows love to endure long enough to drip, then gush again (lewd analogy be damned) is the day-to-day endurance of the participants.
Can you keep a house clean together? Can you figure out who makes the meals? Do you have discussions on finances, bills and future costs? Can you argue without wanting to strangle each other? Running the rudiments of a relationship or marriage is the same as running a small business. And beyond the second job, which most people balk at taking, you must still find time to honour and sexualize each other.
But the secret is that romance becomes a joy when all the other minutia is out of the way. If you have a functioning home and aren't inundated with stress and disorganization, arranging the time for each other is not only easy but appreciated. To riff from Peterson: clean your bedroom before bringing out the nipple clamps. Understand that the benefits of a relationship do not come without a covenant and cost. In today's me-me-me culture, I realize the fear of sacrificing anything that doesn't produce immediate validation.
The primary goal of a relationship is not happiness but security, partnership, and ease of life's burdens. You will find happiness easier to achieve if you alleviate these other antagonists. Of course, you should love the person, but love will not endure without addressing the terms of a partnership, without building a home, life and economic future together.
My partner and I are coming up on our seventeenth anniversary—married for twelve. That's with modelling ourselves after traditional relationships, without opening our relationship or periods of tumultuous separation. We loved each other when our eyes met, but love alone would not have bound us through nearly two decades. We still lust for each other, though there were periods of great anxiety or strain when we did not. However, we persevered, didn't throw in the towel, and devised a plan to correct the course.
People may not want to hear that, but it’s the unromantic truth. Perseverance, prudence and planning are the three Ps, if you will, to sustain a spark of love as time and external forces naturally weaken it. Of course, you won't be madly in love with someone every moment of every day. But, if they're the right person for you, kind, honest, and ready to share, and you accept that life will not always be good but could improve with shared responsibility, that affection will burn eternal.
Sometimes the flame burns low; sometimes, it roars. But you can bring that torch into any darkness you may enter. It will protect and warm you. It will keep you safe and sane.
—C